When PMDD Strikes: The Beginning of My Journey

We all have moments in life when we wonder if we’re losing our mind. For me, that moment came around 2015, and it wasn’t just a fleeting thought – it was a genuine fear that something in my brain had fundamentally changed.

My marriage was crumbling, and with it, my sense of self. But this wasn’t just about the stress of a failing relationship. Something else was happening, something that made me question my own sanity in ways I’d never experienced before.

The First Signs

I remember sitting at my desk at work, overwhelmed by feelings of hatred and negativity that seemed to come from nowhere. These weren’t just bad moods or typical stress responses. They were intense, all-consuming emotions that felt completely disconnected from reality.

My boss at the time was more than just a supervisor – he was a mentor and friend. He had taught me so much about both work and life. I knew his family. Under normal circumstances, I valued and appreciated our professional relationship. But during these episodes, I found myself filled with an inexplicable rage toward him and others I cared about.

The intensity of these feelings was so overwhelming that I would often find myself hiding in the bathroom, tears streaming down my face, or escaping to my car for a moment of privacy. The disconnect between my rational mind – which knew these people had done nothing to deserve such hatred – and my emotional state was terrifying.

The Breaking Point

While my failing marriage had my emotions in turmoil anyway, this felt different. These episodes of intense negativity weren’t just about my home situation. They were unpredictable, overwhelming, and directed at people who had shown me nothing but kindness and support.

When I finally reached out to my doctor, I wasn’t seeking a specific diagnosis. I just knew I needed help. I couldn’t continue living with these intense mood swings that were affecting every aspect of my life. The thought that I might be “going crazy” was terrifying, but the reality of continuing without help was even scarier.

Finding Answers

The diagnosis of PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) wasn’t immediate, but it was a revelation when it came. Here was a name for what I was experiencing, an explanation that made sense of the cyclical nature of my symptoms. More importantly, it meant there were treatment options.

The journey to find the right medication wasn’t entirely smooth. The first prescription made me feel emotionally numb – like nothing mattered at all. While this was technically an improvement over the intense negative emotions, it wasn’t really living. I needed to care about things; I just needed to care in a way that wasn’t destroying my life and relationships.

It took about six months of working with my doctor to find the right medication and dosage. Looking back, I’m grateful I kept communicating with my healthcare provider about what was and wasn’t working. It would have been easy to settle for that first medication, accepting emotional numbness as the price of stability. Instead, I advocated for myself until we found a better solution.

Looking Back

Now, years later, I can see that period of my life with clearer eyes. Yes, my marriage was ending, and yes, that was its own kind of trauma. But the PMDD symptoms were their own beast, completely separate from the challenges of ending my marriage. While I never mourned the relationship’s end, I did carry the weight of not being able to show my children what a truly healthy marriage looked like.

What I want others to know is that seeking help isn’t admitting defeat – it’s taking control. Whether you’re dealing with PMDD, depression, anxiety, or any other mental health challenge, reaching out to a healthcare provider is an act of courage and self-care.

In the next part of this series, I’ll share what happened when I thought I was “cured” and decided to stop taking my medication. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t my best decision, but it taught me valuable lessons about managing PMDD as a chronic condition rather than a temporary challenge.

[Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series, where we’ll explore what happens when PMDD returns after a period of stability.]